Tuesday 30 August 2011

Oxford/Swindon what really happened



This is a true account from someone who was there. We turned up foam handed at half eight in the morning 120 good lads, that was just the lot on the train, we had thirty who thumbed it to Burford dressed as Tintin characters and then got Sedan chairs into the town centre. There were another 40 who hired a long boat in Lechlade for the weekend then cycled in some disguised Charls Hawtrey in Carry on camping, others as Leroy from Fame and a few sporting Halloween masks fashioned from egg boxes, Simple Minds T shirts and karate trousers, this lot were proper.
On arriving at Swindon station we were greeted by four ehem, OB, a Fraser from
Dad's army, tribute act, a lost boy scout and a youth distributing leaflets for Dominic's Pizza (open seven days a week, phone for our latest deals) on leaving the station we formed a human pyramid with small-hand Pete from Abingdon taking his place on the top proudly waving a carton of Kia Ora.

So the walk to the ground began the cans of Hofmeister were cracked open and after singing a few rousing choruses of
Master of the House from Les Miserables and a selection of Flock of Seagulls B sides we were ready to parlez. On reaching the County ground hotel we were dissapointed to find only the cleaner, barman and lady who does the sanitary towel disposal thing in attendance, to be fair she looked game as f*ck but we gave her a squeeze, say what you want but we aint bullys.

The Merlin pub was most impressive, decked out in a medieval style with witches, lepers, amd pox riddem dwarfs all in attendance. It was impossible to get a drink in there so me and some other football casuals played the traditional game 'who have you come as?' I was sussed early doors in my Matelot/Breton top, Captain Pugwash of course!

We managed to get a pint after Mad Steve feigned a panic attack at the bar and said he wouldn't move 'til he got five pints of Skol and a DoubleDiamond shandy for awkward Dave, one of the older lads from Thame. We were just starting a game of charades outside when along came Merlin the guvnor we thought he'd sussed us for taking the piss out of one of the bar staff who looked like Ruth Madoc, but he said he thought we were alright, and conjured up a couple of rounds for us! To be fair he said we wasn't Swindon but was one of the original Malvern valley casuals, shit hot Lacoste cape on him to be fair, On the way to the ground there was f*ck-all apart from the usual stand off by the town end over who had the most obscure waistcoats, and esoteric nicknames, you know the score, anyway the rest is history as they say and the result will be remembered for a long time.

Wednesday 29 June 2011

We salute you

Casuals, wedge-heads, geezers Blackbird Leysers, pirates, piss heads, funkateers, soulboys, dole boys, Stage Club nothern soul lads, Stage Club New Romantics, Greyhound boys, Bonn square punks. Oxford Mental Mob, Lamb and Flag heads, East Oxford boys and North Oxford girls, Jericho Mods, Road runners Scooter Club. Anyone who’s ever walked around with a little green croc on their left breast looking the busines. Original skins, original sinners, winners, no time for losers, cos we are the.. you know the rest.. Wembley veterans twice in 24 years mate, scored six condceded one! Wembley virgins hope you live to see it again. Eastenders, pipe benders, money lenders, loan sharks, Sharks and Jets, go-getters, sub letters, heavy petters Tom Pettyfans, men with caravans, sub postmen, ghost men, ghost hunters, serious punters, rowers, home growers, vegatarians, rastaffarians, one love bruv, I’ll sort it my way, it’s my way or the highway. Highway to hell, when hell freezes over I’ve got the pullovers, V neck, crew neck, lambswool, cashmere or mohair? Let your hair down man, Get it down man. Get it down you Zulu warrior, Aqua shirts, Farah slacks and blazers in 85, city coming alive, get it down you Zulu cheif, Cheif of what? cheif of wankers, flankers, edge of the scrum no harm done, take their fly half! OK I'll flatten the (rugger) bugger Rugby rules shake hands and a pint after, too young to drink, We did too much, much to young, now where married with two kids when we should be having fun with, casuals, wedge-heads, geezers...

Thursday 10 March 2011

Living in the past, my hundred favourite songs part 2



Sound of the crowd, The Human League, 1981
Stay with me, Eighth wonder, 1985
She's a rainbow, The Roling Stones,1967
Beauty of poison, Specimen, 1983
Untouchable, Rialto, 1997
Give it up, KC and the Sunshine Band, 1983
Rappers Delight, Sugar Hill Gang, 1979
New Order, Regret 1993
St Etienne, Sylvie, 1998
The Crown, Gary Byrd and the GBE, 1983
More than a woman, Tavares, 1978
The Show, Doug E Fresh,
Street Tuff, The Rebel MC, 1990
Poison Arrow, ABC, 1982
Rythmn Talkin', Jocko Henderson, 1979
Starman, David Bowie, 1972
The Message, Grandmaster Flash and the furious five, 1982
Chant number one( I don't need this pressure on) Spandau Ballet, 1981
Sometimes, Erasure, 1986
Perfect Skin, Lloyd Cole and the Commotions, 1984
When will I see you again?. The Three Degrees, 1974
Solid Bond in your heart, The Style Council, 1983
Love and Pride, King, 1984
Beach baby, The First Class, 1974
Where did our love go, The Supremes, 1964
Pretty flamingo, Manfred Man, 1966
Sking in the Snow, Wigan's Ovation, 1975
Baby now that I've found you, The Foundations, 1967
Brim full of Asha, Cornershop (Norman Cook remix) 1997
The Kids are alright, The Who, 1965
D-a-a-a-nce, The Lambrettas, 1979
Soul Love, David Bowie, 1978
Born to run, Bruce Springsteen, 1975
Free Nelson Mandela, Special AKA, 1983
Take it on the run, REO Speedwagon, 1981
(There's) always something there to remind me, Sandie Shaw, 1964
Kiss me deadly, Generation X, 1978
She blew me away, The Candyskins, 1990
Anyone can play guitar, Radiohead, 1993
Ready steady go, Generation X 1978
Don't sleep in the subway, Petula Clark, 1967
Favourite shirts (boy meets girl) Haircut 100, 1982
The 'in' crowd, Dobie Gray, 1965
Trash, Suede, 1996
Slave to love, Bryan Ferry, 1985
All the way from Memphis, Mott the Hoople, 1975
Clash City rockers, The Clash, 1978
Virginia plane, Roxy music, 1972
Windmills of your mind, Noel Harrison, 1968
At seventeen, Janis Ian, 1975







Favourite shirts



1 Madras check, vintage
Back in the Days of the Raj some English gentleman had trouble explaining themselves to the local people. When out for dinner they would wear different leisure shirts which would represent what they wanted to eat, as well as the Madras check there was the Jalfrezi stripe and the Rogan Josh polka dot.

2 Pink gingham Ralph Lauren
The mighty gingham. Women seem to love this one, but a certain type of male detests it, they sneer, barely containing their contempt, while harbouring a secret desire to wear it. maybe

3 Signature stripe, Paul Smith
Unique in the fact that it’s the only shirt in the list that I haven’t actually worn, bought from a charity shop £4.50 I could make a handsome profit on this on a well known auction site. I can’t let it go though. I don’t know if I want it but I’m sure I don’t want anyone else to have it.
.
4 Blue denim, The Gap
Wear this and other men will laugh at you, fact, they will make references to cowboys and Status Quo, Ignore them my friend just get on your horse and ride off into the sunset whistling Rocking all over the world

5 House check, Aquascutum
Fashioned from the tartan of the clan Aquascutum, Ths brown, beige and navy beauty has been a favourite for many years, in fact I’m currently on my second one, looks particularly good with other garments in brown, beige and navy

6 Pink Oxford weave, Ben Sherman
Very very smart this bad-boy. I wore this with a petrol blue suit on my one and only visit to Ronnie Scott's legenadary jazz club in the heart of London’s Soho. Nice!

7 White Oxford weave, Uniqlo
Just like the Old Ben Sherman Oxfords but thicker, bit of a bugger to iron if the truth be told, despite that, a fine garment. Have a shave, put this baby on and you’ll look and feel at least ten years younger, probably

8 Light blue check, Lacoste
The crocodile rocks, you have to love the lttle green fella don’t you? .They have come in French sizes so you can confuse and alienate less clued-up men by saying things like “Yeah Dave, I usually go for a 41 in the Lacoste”

9 Light blue paisley, Marina Yachting
Bought from TKMaxx for ten English pounds, this fella really polarises opinion, some people hate it and others just don’t like it. I like it though as it makes me feel like a 1964 Mod, a 1986 casual and a member of rock band The Cult all at once, clever, clever paisley.

Monday 7 March 2011

Living in the past, my hundred favourite songs





Fifty now the the other fifty next week or when I get round to it (all the dates are correct as far as I know but feel free to correct me if they're wrong)

Love is a wonderful colour, The icicle works, 1983
Get over you, The Undertones, 1978
Me no pop I, Coati Mundi, 1981
Baby love, The Supremes, 1964
Lover's concerto, The Toys, 1965
What do I get?, Buzzcocks, 1978
Suspect device, Stiff Little fingers, 1977
Native New Yorker, Odyssey, 1978
Young hearts run free, Candi Staton, 1976
Suburbia (The full horror mix) Pet Shop boys, 1986
Telling stories, The Charlatans, 1997
She bangs the drums, Stone Roses, 1990
Complete control, The Clash, 1977
If I can't have you, Yvonne Elliman, 1977
18 carat love affair, The Associates, 1982
Left to my own devices, Pet Shop Boys, 1988
When you're young, The Jam, 1978
Holidays in the Sun, Sex Pistols, 1977
Fighting Fit, Gene, 1996
Build me up buttercup, The Foundations, 1968
Me and Mr Sanchez, Blue Rondo A La Turk, 1981
Penthouse and pavement, Heaven 17, 1981
Bedsitter, Soft Cell, 1981
Oasis, Whatever, 1994
Hong Kong garden, Siouxsie and the Banshees, 1978
Ready steady go, Generation X, 1978
Ai no corrida, Quincy Jones, 1981
My world, Secret Affair, 1980
Circles, The Circles 1979
Wild world, Cat Stevens, 1971
Baby don't change your mind, Gladys Knight and the Pips 1977
American pie, Don McClean, 1971
California dreaming, Mamas and Papas, 1965
Young girl, Gary Puckett and the Union Gap, 1968
Concrete and Clay, Unit Four Plus One, 1963
Don't you want me?, The Human League, 1981
La Isla Bonita, Madonna, 1987
Invisible touches, Genesis, 1986
Pretty in pink, Psychedelic Furs, 1981
Smells like teen spirit, Nirvana, 1991
Sunday girl, Blondie, 1978
Summer of '69, Bryan Adams, 1985
Alone, Heart, 1983
We built this city, Starship, 1985
Mr Brightside, The Killers, 2003
Yes, McAlmont and Butler, 1995
Erasure, Oh L'amour, 1986
Waterloo sunset, The Kinks, 1967
Maybe tomorrow, The Chords, 1980
Monday morning, 5.19, Rialto, 1997










Wednesday 26 January 2011

Going off the rails, the football special

Back in the days before the internet and push-button phones that say "press 1 to speak to an advisor or 2 for more options" (we used to have to dial you know) some things were actually easier to do. One of these was arranging to travel to an away football game. All you needed to do was find out what time the train left, buy a ticket and turn up at the station with a carrier bag of Skol and home made cheese sandwiches, meet your mates and pile on. You were now ready to try experience the joys of the football special train.

The word special can be defined as "Surpassing what is common or usual" Make your own mind up, they were cheap, in 1984 it cost around a fiver for an average journey this was when a pint would cost you around £1.40.You could drink, (climb aboard Mr Skol) but you had to appear sober when you reached your destination. (more of that later) The trains were ones that had been taken out of service, unfit to carry normal members of the public and to say they were in a bad state of repair would be a criminal understatement, the plumbing in particular left a lot to be desired as you found out about half an hour into the journey as you became aware of a stream of steaming piss flowing down the aisle of your carriage.




As the journey wore on your traveling companions would amuse themselves by unscrewing light bulbs, throwing fixtures and fittings out of the window or setting fire to peoples' newspapers while they were reading them. On arrival at your destination you would be met by the local ehm, 'Old Bill' who would busy themselves pushing you around, searching you and arresting people for the heinous crimes of singing, smelling of drink or taking rolls of bog paper off the train. They would often hold you at the train station for no apparent reason before deciding it was time to escort you to the ground.

On the return journey you could carry on smashing up what was left of the train or just sit tight wait for the inevitable bricking. This was especially popular in the south Wales area where locals would lie in wait for the special then launch a volley of half bricks and assorted massonary through the windows. As a result of this your return journey was made even more pleasant by the fact that half the windows would be missing and you'd be freezing your souvenir programmes off all the way home. Many of the trains used were fine for getting you from A to B, but sometimes had problems with returning to A. Many fans recall getting home after midnight from away trips and that was after watching a 3 O'clock kick off. Those attending night matches often got back so late they passed themselves going to work.


In 2007 The deputy head of the British Transport Police Andy Trotter called for a the return of football special arguing that non football passengers can be "frightened or irritated by fans' behaviour" What? rivers of piss, police harrassment, wrecked trains, 18 hour return journeys, surely we've moved on from that haven't we? Haven't we? Oh go then, see you down the station Saturday at eleven... Now were can I buy four cans of Skol?

Monday 17 January 2011

People who bug me

Ninjas
Caravan enthusiasts
Young barmen
People who think they're sailors
People who don't go ice skating
Bearded men
People who carry rucksacks (any size)
‘Petrol heads’
People who don’t like people who say “back in theday”
Rugger buggers
People who browse Zippo lighters
Tourists who walk with their hands in their back pocket
Toe rags
Coldplay fans
People from Norwich
People who wear rock T shirts when they know jack sh!t about the band
Men who wear belts especially with large buckles
People who say “Imelda Marcos eat your heart out” when referring to a woman who has a lot of shoes
‘Monster truck’ fans
People who say “random” every othe word
Concert pianists
Rock DJs
Pea Brains
Back street heroes
Homo sapiens
Wrestling fans
Men who slightly resemble Barbary apes
Dudes
Men who wear V neck T shirts
People who dress as Fred Flinstone
Parrot heads
Games masters at minor public schools
People who say “You can do mine an’ all if you like” when they see someone washing their car or mowing their lawn
Trainee marine biologists
News paper vendors
Jazz drummers
People who collect wood then polish it and then sell it to the public as 'sculpture'
BBC script editors
Abusive market traders
Bicycle repair men
Wise guys
Post Office staff (especially the older ones)
Clowns
Basket weavers
Retired tree surgeons
Mime artists
People who hang about talking to security guards in shopping centres
People who ask “what are you driving these days?”
Triathletes
Stroppy Ice cream men
Tennis coaches
‘Singer songwriters’
People who work in dry cleaners (especially part timers)
Post feminists
‘Nu rave’ fans
People called Brian, Keith or Benny
Darts players wives
Bowie freaks
Star Wars fans
Geeks
Men who wear Eastenders style leather jackets
Politicians (all parties) except Tony Benn
Hairdressers who smoke
Paperweight collectors
Skateboarders who carry their boards around with them
People who wear Lambretta clothing
Skinny dippers
Badger baiters
Lindy hoppers
Men in cowboy boots (leave them for the laydees)
Tarot card readers
Tin whistle players
Church organists who make crude jokes
Party planners
Pipe smokers (especially Welsh)
Real ale buffs
Fans of alternative cinema
Pin heads
Bad actors (especially children)
Rock a billy rebels

Friday 7 January 2011

Sweet and tender hooligans

Let me tell you about an incident that happened it ‘81 in Oxford, It was a Tuesday night in August and Duran Duran were playing, We had a tidy little crew at this time but we knew the Brummies would be bringing loads down it’s only a short journey and this was one of the first dates on the tour.

We mobbed up in The Grapes on George Street just opposite the theatre and we had a good forty in their at opening time, a lot of these were youth who’d only just bought their first pair of karate slippers and frilly shirts but there were a few older heads who’d been into Bowie and Roxy Music in the early seventies, let me tell you these boys knew the score, they sat in the corner by the door aloof and silent except when strangers walked in when they would whisper to each other and giggle. Some of these had been drinking pernod and black since half five and the atmosphere was getting rowdy to say the least.

One of our top visages put Boys Keep Swinging on the juke box and the whole pub erupted into a sing along. All except a group of futurists standing by the bar who wanted too here some Gary Numan but couldn’t get to the juke box through our lot. We didn’t really get on with the futurist mob after a dispute over a yachting cap (don’t ask) but tonight as it was a big one hostilities were put aside.

All of a sudden two of our youth who had been throwing shapes outside came in and on the shout of “of our guests have arrived” we all piled out stopping only for a quick look in the mirror behind the bar. Just down the street their coach had stopped and we could see it was full we were about fifty handed by now so it was equal numbers. We positioned ourselves in front of the entrance so they had to walk past us the pub opposite, was now closed as one of ours had knocked some glasses of a table with his cape in the hurry to get out. As they came of the bus someone shouted “leave it out, they’ve got birds with them” we weren’t sure though so that was it, It went off in the street and in the foyer as some of their’s got through us and were followed in.

We were hitting them with every thing we had, snide comments, laughing behind the hands and raised eyebrows, One of ours shouted “Get you” at their main boy and he was straight in with open laughter, mimicking and sarcastic wolf whistling. It went on like this for a good five minutes, until two of our main faces walked down the road towards us, these two had links with the Arsenal lot (Spandau Ballet) and had been at it for years, They had been in court that day in London, charged with shoplifting from Kensington Market, so we didn’t think they’d be out, these two walked up to their main lads and we thought it was going escalate when our lad said he liked the Brummie blokes belt and asked him where he got it.

After that there was an un-easy calm for the rest of the night with no major incidents during the concert except for a squabble in the ladies loos about who’s turn it was to use the mirror. All in all a top night with both firms gaining respect from the other and some useful make up tips exchanged.

Monday 3 January 2011