Bristol Rovers away, the truth

A few of us late forties lads met for breakfast in The Withered Spoon in Oxford at 8.30, we had a tidy little crew all dressed in the latest 'football casual' style (camp Peruvian tin miners) except Awkward Dave who says he's on the traditional English music tip, (don't call it 'folk' he gets uptight) and was dressed in an artist's smock, oversized elephant cords and sandals.


It was kedgeree and bloody Mary's all round except for, yes you guessed it AD who had the smoked salmon with scrambled eggs and a small glass of Blue Nun. We caught the train at 9.37 and were soon cracking open the cans of Orangeboom and Lowenbrau or 'laughing brew' as Not-funny Steve (one of the Chinor/Hadenham Alliance lads) kept calling it Just after Didcot a mass game of charades broke out the highlight being Small hand Paul's mime for Brighton Rock (a book and a film) Some Bath 'egg chasers' got on at Swindon but we didn't give them any trouble just a bit of banter about their Dennis Waterman hair styles and Budgie jackets. Say what you like we ain't bullies.


On arriving in Bristol we were met by several police officers including PC Felix from Oxford who said he was retiring after the Swindon game and to celebrate would be dressing as his namesake (the cartoon black cat) and handing out In the night garden balloons and Level 42 sweat bands. The police suggested that we made our way to one of the city centre pubs so we chose an Irish establishment called Rick O'Shea's. the locals were having a great craic and we were soon joining in their songs and games of lose the thimble and pin the donkeys tail on the barman.


Bondage John (Stadhamton's top lad) launched into his Rod Stewart impression belting out a selection from 1975's highly acclaimed Atlantic Crossing album. and it was as he took on the hugely popular but technically challenging I don't want to talk about it that he heard that there was to be a pitch inspection and the match could be called off. No panic the match officials announced the game would be played and it was time to head to the ground so we said farewell to our Celtish hosts and headed off into the rainy streets.


We hailed a handsome cab and climbed aboard, Awkward Dave electing to sit upfront with the driver as he felt a little queasy after all the mead he had consumed in the pub (he was taking this folk business way to seriously IMO) Dave and the driver spent the journey discussing the relative merits of The Drifters and The Four Tops while flicking Irish peanuts at passers by. Before we knew it we were in the Lively Gloucester Road area of the city. Benny our driver dropped us of and wished us luck, turned out he was a Bristol City lad and to be fair he looked game as fuck in his checked Barbour gilet and yellow sou'wester.


We managed to find a pub where the locals didn't want to assail us, none of us can actually remember it but it must have been jolly good as we stayed there for the whole of the first half arriving at the ground just in time for the second period. It was level pegging at nil, nil as the game restarted and it  has to be said the atmosphere was lack lustre to say the least. We launched into the Bucks Fizz number one hit Land of Make Believe seguing neatly into Blondie's new wave/hip hop classic Rapture which sadly did nothing to lift the atmosphere fair play to some of the younger lot from Appleton for joining in though great moves as well fellas, chapeau!


Predictably the game finished goalless and we were straight out of the ground to make the long walk back to the station. We were surrounded  by the, ehem 'old bill' who said they were going to escort us back his pissed some of the Marston fellas of as they were attempting to get a mass conga going all the way back and there was no way the law were going to allow it. They did allow us to run through a few of our Morris dancing routines though while we were waiting for the main lot to exit the ground, fair play to them.


After arriving back at the station we boarded our train for the journey home which was livened up by a scuffle between some of our lot and some Swindon based badminton fans and a chance meeting with ex Oxford goalie Paul Brightside (top bloke)


All in all another top day out for The Foam Hand Casuals

Facebook, what they really mean

The family man

What he posts: Just spent the most wonderful day with my beautiful family, I love you all
What it means: Hopefully the wife won't kick up a stink if I go down the Dog Breeders Arms where I will get free pints of weak lager from Karen the Australian bar maid, and maybe a lock-in and quick knee trembler out the back

The Smug Bastard
What he posts: What a start to the day, there's a man on the stairs doing something to the wiring, had to dodge him on the way out, then realised the 4X4 was still at the garage!
What it means: I am a real fucking success! I have my own house and can afford to hire tradesmen to work on it for me I have a large car that is the envy of my neighbours. My job is so important that I have to be there on the dot of nine every day. I am deeply unhappy.

The Culture Vulture
What he posts: Off to see an exhibition of finger painting by partially sighted Puerto Rican street people at the Black Sphere Gallery in Hoxton, it's a great space and they do German wheat beer in the bar which is decorated in the Italian futurist style!
What it means: I will be staying in and watching Cops with Cameras with tin of Heinz chicken big soup.

The Hedonist
What he posts: What a night last night, I am hanging! Got in at half four, Will just texted me and said something about two American girls, a bottle of peach schnapps and some weed. I have no memory of this at all!!!
What it means: In bed by ten again... alone, so very alone.

The Football Lad
What he posts: We was in Cheltenham at nine, straight in the Wetherspoon's were was there famous mob then? We took the piss all day thirty of us (all youth) walking round their town all day unopposed all we see was 3 of theres (scruffy bastards) just before KO hiding behind the old bill.
What it means: Went to Cheltenham for the football me and my dad on the supporters coach, great game and a great atmosphere 3 more points for us. Got there at 1.30 had some fish n' chips and was in the ground for quarter past one, 9/10 for the programme, very good read!

The Potential Suicide
What he posts: I just feel so bloody awful I don't know what to do what is the point of it life, work, everything I really don't know if it's worth carrying on I just hate myself so much Why do I always hurt  the people I love?
What it means: It's Monday evening, I still have a hangover I'm shaking like a shitting dog. I split up with my bird last night because she found out that I shagged Hayley outside the pub when she was ill. Hopefully she'll read this and come back to me ...or maybe Hayley will let me have another go on her

The Music Fan
What he posts: Check out this link, It's a rare live performance of the New Jazz Concerto by the Alan Makowski project featuring the horn section from the Afro/Cuban soul partnership and 'dangerous' Zack Hoffman on percussion. This was filmed at the Gato Negro club in Soho. 
What it means: Where's my copy of Now 64?

Masterchef Man
What he posts: Just cooked pan fried sea bass with pine nuts and lemon grass on a bed of polenta with a raspberry jus
What it means: Birds love blokes that can cook look at Jamie Oliver his missus is lovely

Arguementative Bloke
What he posts: All asylum seekers should be sent back now, even the legal ones, gay people deserve to have AIDS. All religions are bad/all religions are good. Celtic and Rangers should be allowed to play in the premier league, Thatcher was alright. The Clash stank.
What it means: Please argue with me, please give me the attention I crave, it's as important as oxygen to me  Even if you end up hating me I don't care at least you'll acknowledge that I exist

The Joker
What he posts: My Girlfriend said she is leaving me because I always mis-quote the Terminator films....She'll be back. (or similar)
What it means: He is a member of a site that sends him jokes every day

People who bug me part 2

People who collect Status Quo badges

Water carriers

Wrong 'uns

People who don't like people who don't like Benny from Abba

Crypto fascists

Toilet attendants who have a drink problem

Midnight tokers

Peace merchants

Coal merchants

Falafel vendors

Old-skool wrestlers

People who say 'marshmellows' 'Westminister' and 'Arksk'

Draft dodgers

Tax evaders

Ram raiders

Best men from Aldershot

Ice hockey goalkeepers

People from Lapland

Men who operate shit fair ground rides

'Extroverts'

Flirts

Men in skirts

Freddie 'parrot face' Davies fans

Scuba divers

Tractor drivers

Hop pickers

Fire eaters

Grouse beaters

Shy lollipop ladies

Pop artists

People who believe in magic

People who don't think Paul Simon is the guvnor

Kebab kids

People who think they can throw apples over buildings, but fail

Town cryers

Hair dryer designers

People who use the phrase 'what do you know' in the wrong context

Trainee milliners

People who thought Jim Rockford was a gayer

People who mug off The Style Council

Lucid dreamers

Oiks

Cheeky little bastards

People who name their dogs after soul singers

Cat people (who put out fire)

Organ grinders

Book binders

People who think Coronation Street isn't real

Eddie Izzard lookalikes

Unicyclists

Jugglers

People who say 'down with the kids'

Back packers

Ramblers especially Welsh

Choclatiers

Candy Bar girls

Dandies

Flaneurs

Desk jockeys

Make up artists with BO

People who have a problem with authority

Postmen who don't wear shorts all year round

Seven songs with the word love in the title which aren't crap and aren't by The Beatles

Ever fallen in love with someone (you shouldn't  have?) Buzzcocks

First line: you spurn my natural emotions, you make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt.

This song summed up exactly how I felt after I phoned up  Lynne Brown to ask her out and she turned me down, probably why I spent the rest of the evening playing this and trying to make myself cry. The next day at school was hard believe me!

Love is a wonderful colour, The icicle works

First line: My friend and I where talking one evening beside some burning wood.

I think they're referring to a bonfire here or maybe they had just torched a beach hut or something. This was 1983 in Liverpool, heavy times! But hey, why would they want to set fire to small wooden seaside buildings? They were ...in love.

Modern love  David Bowie

First line: I know when to go out I know when to stay in get things done

He certainly did, Friday and Saturday night out, natch, Sunday lunch time out, meat raffle in The Horseless Jockey. The rest of the week in, except for Tuesdays, darts and Thursdays, pool if Big Kev couldn't make it because of his sciatica.

Love wil tear us apart Joy Division

First line: When routine bites hard, and ambitions are low, and resentment rides high, but emotions won't grow,

What's all that about? explains why no one liked them at the time. I saw them supporting Buzzcoks in 1979 and there were only two people dancing, they were in the upper sixth at our school and 'on drugs' ... probably.

18 carat love affair The associates

First line: I told you not to meet me here, I can't be seen with you whispering in my ear.

Your'e in The Adulterers Arms in Dundee talking to the lads about transport to the next away game, (Big Davey's got the van for the weekend) when your bird comes in and starts whispering about her new underwear and that, Give it a rest hen!

Everlasting love, The love affair

First line: Hearts gone astray, leaving hurt when they go, I went away just when you needed me so.

Yes, you did go away didn't you pal, three days in Blackpool on Gary's stag do just when your missus wanted a hand updating her CV, well she'll probably fail the interview for the bar job at The White Line thanks to you, you wrong. 'un!

Slave to love Bryan Ferry

Fist line: Tell her I'll be wating, In the usual place, with the tired and weary where there's no escape

The Weathered Spoon at eight then, the big table by the fruit machine. I might get something to eat it's curry club on a Thursday. Mine's a pint of Skol and Awkward Dave will have a Double Diamond shandy,cheers Bry!

Oxford/Swindon what really happened

This is a true account from someone who was there. We turned up foam handed at half eight in the morning 120 good lads, that was just the lot on the train, we had thirty who thumbed it to Burford dressed as Tintin characters and then got Sedan chairs into the town centre. There were another 40 who hired a long boat in Lechlade for the weekend then cycled in some disguised Charls Hawtrey in Carry on camping, others as Leroy from Fame and a few sporting Halloween masks fashioned from egg boxes, Simple Minds T shirts and karate trousers, this lot were proper.
On arriving at Swindon station we were greeted by four ehem, OB, a Fraser from Dad's army, tribute act, a lost boy scout and a youth distributing leaflets for Dominic's Pizza (open seven days a week, phone for our latest deals) on leaving the station we formed a human pyramid with small-hand Pete from Abingdon taking his place on the top proudly waving a carton of Kia Ora.

So the walk to the ground began the cans of Hofmeister were cracked open and after singing a few rousing choruses of Master of the House from Les Miserables and a selection of Flock of Seagulls B sides we were ready to parlez. On reaching the County ground hotel we were dissapointed to find only the cleaner, barman and lady who does the sanitary towel disposal thing in attendance, to be fair she looked game as f*ck but we gave her a squeeze, say what you want but we aint bullys.

The Merlin pub was most impressive, decked out in a medieval style with witches, lepers, amd pox riddem dwarfs all in attendance. It was impossible to get a drink in there so me and some other football casuals played the traditional game 'who have you come as?' I was sussed early doors in my Matelot/Breton top, Captain Pugwash of course!

We managed to get a pint after Mad Steve feigned a panic attack at the bar and said he wouldn't move 'til he got five pints of Skol and a DoubleDiamond shandy for awkward Dave, one of the older lads from Thame. We were just starting a game of charades outside when along came Merlin the guvnor we thought he'd sussed us for taking the piss out of one of the bar staff who looked like Ruth Madoc, but he said he thought we were alright, and conjured up a couple of rounds for us! To be fair he said we wasn't Swindon but was one of the original Malvern valley casuals, shit hot Lacoste cape on him to be fair, On the way to the ground there was f*ck-all apart from the usual stand off by the town end over who had the most obscure waistcoats, and esoteric nicknames, you know the score, anyway the rest is history as they say and the result will be remembered for a long time.

We salute you

Casuals, wedge-heads, geezers Blackbird Leysers, pirates, piss heads, funkateers, soulboys, dole boys, Stage Club nothern soul lads, Stage Club New Romantics, Greyhound boys, Bonn square punks. Oxford Mental Mob, Lamb and Flag heads, East Oxford boys and North Oxford girls, Jericho Mods, Road runners Scooter Club. Anyone who’s ever walked around with a little green croc on their left breast looking the busines. Original skins, original sinners, winners, no time for losers, cos we are the.. you know the rest.. Wembley veterans twice in 24 years mate, scored six condceded one! Wembley virgins hope you live to see it again. Eastenders, pipe benders, money lenders, loan sharks, Sharks and Jets, go-getters, sub letters, heavy petters Tom Pettyfans, men with caravans, sub postmen, ghost men, ghost hunters, serious punters, rowers, home growers, vegatarians, rastaffarians, one love bruv, I’ll sort it my way, it’s my way or the highway. Highway to hell, when hell freezes over I’ve got the pullovers, V neck, crew neck, lambswool, cashmere or mohair? Let your hair down man, Get it down man. Get it down you Zulu warrior, Aqua shirts, Farah slacks and blazers in 85, city coming alive, get it down you Zulu cheif, Cheif of what? cheif of wankers, flankers, edge of the scrum no harm done, take their fly half! OK I'll flatten the (rugger) bugger Rugby rules shake hands and a pint after, too young to drink, We did too much, much to young, now where married with two kids when we should be having fun with, casuals, wedge-heads, geezers...

Living in the past, my hundred favourite songs part 2

Sound of the crowd, The Human League, 1981

Stay with me, Eighth wonder, 1985
She's a rainbow, The Roling Stones,1967
Beauty of poison, Specimen, 1983
Untouchable, Rialto, 1997
Give it up, KC and the Sunshine Band, 1983
Rappers Delight, Sugar Hill Gang, 1979
New Order, Regret 1993
St Etienne, Sylvie, 1998
The Crown, Gary Byrd and the GBE, 1983
More than a woman, Tavares, 1978
The Show, Doug E Fresh,
Street Tuff, The Rebel MC, 1990
Poison Arrow, ABC, 1982
Rythmn Talkin', Jocko Henderson, 1979
Starman, David Bowie, 1972
The Message, Grandmaster Flash and the furious five, 1982
Chant number one( I don't need this pressure on) Spandau Ballet, 1981
Sometimes, Erasure, 1986
Perfect Skin, Lloyd Cole and the Commotions, 1984
When will I see you again?. The Three Degrees, 1974
Solid Bond in your heart, The Style Council, 1983
Love and Pride, King, 1984
Beach baby, The First Class, 1974
Where did our love go, The Supremes, 1964
Pretty flamingo, Manfred Man, 1966
Sking in the Snow, Wigan's Ovation, 1975
Baby now that I've found you, The Foundations, 1967
Brim full of Asha, Cornershop (Norman Cook remix) 1997
The Kids are alright, The Who, 1965
D-a-a-a-nce, The Lambrettas, 1979

Soul Love, David Bowie, 1978
Born to run, Bruce Springsteen, 1975
Free Nelson Mandela, Special AKA, 1983
Take it on the run, REO Speedwagon, 1981
(There's) always something there to remind me, Sandie Shaw, 1964
Kiss me deadly, Generation X, 1978
She blew me away, The Candyskins, 1990
Anyone can play guitar, Radiohead, 1993

Ready steady go, Generation X 1978

Don't sleep in the subway, Petula Clark, 1967

Favourite shirts (boy meets girl) Haircut 100, 1982

The 'in' crowd, Dobie Gray, 1965
Trash, Suede, 1996

Slave to love, Bryan Ferry, 1985

All the way from Memphis, Mott the Hoople, 1975

Clash City rockers, The Clash, 1978
Virginia plane, Roxy music, 1972

Windmills of your mind, Noel Harrison, 1968

At seventeen, Janis Ian, 1975