1. No wives, girlfriends, parents, or children. You must go with a group of blokes, at least three them being called Dave, drink in a city centre chain pub then move to a crap pub near the ground by 2 o’clock at the latest.
2. A good breakfast will be essential, as you won’t be eating again till Tuesday. Wetherspoons offer a good fry up at a reasonable price, they open at 9am and are remarkably tolerant of large groups of oafs. Always have a pint of lager with your breakfast even if you don’t really want one.
3. Try and learn some of the players’ names – three or four will do, don’t worry to much about this as you won’t be talking about them much. Try and avoid using players’ nicknames, there’s nothing worse than a grown man saying something like, ‘Did you see Beano’s goal? Quality.’
4. Never wear the same outfit to consecutive matches and never wear a scarf or club shirt. If you really feel the need to show your allegiance a small enamel pin-badge works well. Ensure it is no larger than a five pence coin though, you want to keep it subtle, don’t you?
5. Allow plenty of time for drinking before the game. You’ll need at least seven pints beforehand to get in the right frame of mind. Always have a beer at half-time even if you don’t want one but never join the back of the queue, ask someone at the front to let you in, you should know enough people to be able to do this.
6. Always return to your crap pub after the game and plan the rest of your evening. Do not talk about the match for anything more than half an hour after it’s finished. Conversely, if there has been any “trouble” at the game this must be discussed endlessly throughout the course of the evening.
7. On away trips always make sure you arrive as early as possible, aim for 10 o’clock, this will necessitate the need to get up at a stupidly early hour and you may suffer ridicule from family members – don’t worry they will get used to it and soon view it as an endearing quirk in you character. Don’t worry about arriving early, you can still get into the ground after kick-off as normal.
8. The amount of games you attend in a season is purely a matter of personal choice, but if you only go to three in a season make sure they are the first and last home games, plus Boxing day when a small hip flask is quite acceptable. Don’t get into the habit of taking a flask every game though as you’ll be viewed as pretentious or, worse, a piss-head.
9. When travelling to a game on public transport always treat the staff and your fellow passengers with respect and avoid singing, swearing or lewd behaviour. On the return leg of the journey you should behave like a complete arsehole.
10. Remember the players have only been brought in because you and your friends are not good enough. If they’ve played well, clap them of the field and give them a ‘thumbs-up’. Please don’t idolise them, especially if they’re younger than you. On no account tolerate players who don’t try. You, the fans, are the most important people at the club, even if you do only go three times a year
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