Going off the rails, the football special

Back in the days before the internet and push-button phones that say "press 1 to speak to an advisor or 2 for more options" (we used to have to dial you know) some things were actually easier to do. One of these was arranging to travel to an away football game. All you needed to do was find out what time the train left, buy a ticket and turn up at the station with a carrier bag of Skol and home made cheese sandwiches, meet your mates and pile on. You were now ready to try experience the joys of the football special train.

The word special can be defined as "Surpassing what is common or usual" Make your own mind up, they were cheap, in 1984 it cost around a fiver for an average journey this was when a pint would cost you around £1.40.You could drink, (climb aboard Mr Skol) but you had to appear sober when you reached your destination. (more of that later) The trains were ones that had been taken out of service, unfit to carry normal members of the public and to say they were in a bad state of repair would be a criminal understatement, the plumbing in particular left a lot to be desired as you found out about half an hour into the journey as you became aware of a stream of steaming piss flowing down the aisle of your carriage.



As the journey wore on your traveling companions would amuse themselves by unscrewing light bulbs, throwing fixtures and fittings out of the window or setting fire to peoples' newspapers while they were reading them. On arrival at your destination you would be met by the local ehm, 'Old Bill' who would busy themselves pushing you around, searching you and arresting people for the heinous crimes of singing, smelling of drink or taking rolls of bog paper off the train. They would often hold you at the train station for no apparent reason before deciding it was time to escort you to the ground.

On the return journey you could carry on smashing up what was left of the train or just sit tight wait for the inevitable bricking. This was especially popular in the south Wales area where locals would lie in wait for the special then launch a volley of half bricks and assorted massonary through the windows. As a result of this your return journey was made even more pleasant by the fact that half the windows would be missing and you'd be freezing your souvenir programmes off all the way home. Many of the trains used were fine for getting you from A to B, but sometimes had problems with returning to A. Many fans recall getting home after midnight from away trips and that was after watching a 3 O'clock kick off. Those attending night matches often got back so late they passed themselves going to work.

In 2007 The deputy head of the British Transport Police Andy Trotter called for a the return of football special arguing that non football passengers can be "frightened or irritated by fans' behaviour" What? rivers of piss, police harrassment, wrecked trains, 18 hour return journeys, surely we've moved on from that haven't we? Haven't we? Oh go then, see you down the station Saturday at eleven... Now were can I buy four cans of Skol?

People who bug me

Ninjas

Caravan enthusiasts

Young barmen

People who think they're sailors

People who don't go ice skating

Bearded men

People who carry rucksacks (any size)

‘Petrol heads’

People who don’t like people who say “back in theday”

Rugger buggers

People who browse Zippo lighters

Tourists who walk with their hands in their back pocket

Toe rags

Coldplay fans

People from Norwich

People who wear rock T shirts when they know jack sh!t about the band

Men who wear belts especially with large buckles

People who say “Imelda Marcos eat your heart out” when referring to a woman who has a lot of shoes

‘Monster truck’ fans

People who say “random” every othe word

Concert pianists

Rock DJs

Pea Brains

Back street heroes

Homo sapiens

Wrestling fans

Men who slightly resemble Barbary apes

Dudes

Men who wear V neck T shirts

People who dress as Fred Flinstone

Parrot heads

Games masters at minor public schools

People who say “You can do mine an’ all if you like” when they see someone washing their car or mowing their lawn

Trainee marine biologists

News paper vendors

Jazz drummers

People who collect wood then polish it and then sell it to the public as 'sculpture'

BBC script editors

Abusive market traders

Bicycle repair men

Wise guys

Post Office staff (especially the older ones)

Clowns

Basket weavers

Retired tree surgeons

Mime artists

People who hang about talking to security guards in shopping centres

People who ask “what are you driving these days?”

Triathletes

Stroppy Ice cream men

Tennis coaches

‘Singer songwriters’

People who work in dry cleaners (especially part timers)

Post feminists

‘Nu rave’ fans

People called Brian, Keith or Benny

Darts players wives

Bowie freaks

Star Wars fans

Geeks

Men who wear Eastenders style leather jackets

Politicians (all parties) except Tony Benn

Hairdressers who smoke

Paperweight collectors

Skateboarders who carry their boards around with them

People who wear Lambretta clothing

Skinny dippers

Badger baiters

Lindy hoppers

Men in cowboy boots (leave them for the laydees)

Tarot card readers

Tin whistle players

Church organists who make crude jokes

Party planners

Pipe smokers (especially Welsh)

Real ale buffs

Fans of alternative cinema

Pin heads

Bad actors (especially children)

Rock a billy rebels

Sweet and tender hooligans

Let me tell you about an incident that happened it ‘81 in Oxford, It was a Tuesday night in August and Duran Duran were playing, We had a tidy little crew at this time but we knew the Brummies would be bringing loads down it’s only a short journey and this was one of the first dates on the tour.

We mobbed up in The Grapes on George Street just opposite the theatre and we had a good forty in their at opening time, a lot of these were youth who’d only just bought their first pair of karate slippers and frilly shirts but there were a few older heads who’d been into Bowie and Roxy Music in the early seventies, let me tell you these boys knew the score, they sat in the corner by the door aloof and silent except when strangers walked in when they would whisper to each other and giggle. Some of these had been drinking pernod and black since half five and the atmosphere was getting rowdy to say the least.

One of our top visages put Boys Keep Swinging on the juke box and the whole pub erupted into a sing along. All except a group of futurists standing by the bar who wanted too here some Gary Numan but couldn’t get to the juke box through our lot. We didn’t really get on with the futurist mob after a dispute over a yachting cap (don’t ask) but tonight as it was a big one hostilities were put aside.

All of a sudden two of our youth who had been throwing shapes outside came in and on the shout of “of our guests have arrived” we all piled out stopping only for a quick look in the mirror behind the bar. Just down the street their coach had stopped and we could see it was full we were about fifty handed by now so it was equal numbers. We positioned ourselves in front of the entrance so they had to walk past us the pub opposite, was now closed as one of ours had knocked some glasses of a table with his cape in the hurry to get out. As they came of the bus someone shouted “leave it out, they’ve got birds with them” we weren’t sure though so that was it, It went off in the street and in the foyer as some of their’s got through us and were followed in.

We were hitting them with every thing we had, snide comments, laughing behind the hands and raised eyebrows, One of ours shouted “Get you” at their main boy and he was straight in with open laughter, mimicking and sarcastic wolf whistling. It went on like this for a good five minutes, until two of our main faces walked down the road towards us, these two had links with the Arsenal lot (Spandau Ballet) and had been at it for years, They had been in court that day in London, charged with shoplifting from Kensington Market, so we didn’t think they’d be out, these two walked up to their main lads and we thought it was going escalate when our lad said he liked the Brummie blokes belt and asked him where he got it.

After that there was an un-easy calm for the rest of the night with no major incidents during the concert except for a squabble in the ladies loos about who’s turn it was to use the mirror. All in all a top night with both firms gaining respect from the other and some useful make up tips exchanged.

Introducing the iPod Nando

An MP3 player disguised to look like a piece of fried chicken, clever