Going off the rails, the football special

Back in the days before the internet and push-button phones that say "press 1 to speak to an advisor or 2 for more options" (we used to have to dial you know) some things were actually easier to do. One of these was arranging to travel to an away football game. All you needed to do was find out what time the train left, buy a ticket and turn up at the station with a carrier bag of Skol and home made cheese sandwiches, meet your mates and pile on. You were now ready to try experience the joys of the football special train.

The word special can be defined as "Surpassing what is common or usual" Make your own mind up, they were cheap, in 1984 it cost around a fiver for an average journey this was when a pint would cost you around £1.40.You could drink, (climb aboard Mr Skol) but you had to appear sober when you reached your destination. (more of that later) The trains were ones that had been taken out of service, unfit to carry normal members of the public and to say they were in a bad state of repair would be a criminal understatement, the plumbing in particular left a lot to be desired as you found out about half an hour into the journey as you became aware of a stream of steaming piss flowing down the aisle of your carriage.



As the journey wore on your traveling companions would amuse themselves by unscrewing light bulbs, throwing fixtures and fittings out of the window or setting fire to peoples' newspapers while they were reading them. On arrival at your destination you would be met by the local ehm, 'Old Bill' who would busy themselves pushing you around, searching you and arresting people for the heinous crimes of singing, smelling of drink or taking rolls of bog paper off the train. They would often hold you at the train station for no apparent reason before deciding it was time to escort you to the ground.

On the return journey you could carry on smashing up what was left of the train or just sit tight wait for the inevitable bricking. This was especially popular in the south Wales area where locals would lie in wait for the special then launch a volley of half bricks and assorted massonary through the windows. As a result of this your return journey was made even more pleasant by the fact that half the windows would be missing and you'd be freezing your souvenir programmes off all the way home. Many of the trains used were fine for getting you from A to B, but sometimes had problems with returning to A. Many fans recall getting home after midnight from away trips and that was after watching a 3 O'clock kick off. Those attending night matches often got back so late they passed themselves going to work.

In 2007 The deputy head of the British Transport Police Andy Trotter called for a the return of football special arguing that non football passengers can be "frightened or irritated by fans' behaviour" What? rivers of piss, police harrassment, wrecked trains, 18 hour return journeys, surely we've moved on from that haven't we? Haven't we? Oh go then, see you down the station Saturday at eleven... Now were can I buy four cans of Skol?