People who bug me part 2

People who collect Status Quo badges

Water carriers

Wrong 'uns

People who don't like people who don't like Benny from Abba

Crypto fascists

Toilet attendants who have a drink problem

Midnight tokers

Peace merchants

Coal merchants

Falafel vendors

Old-skool wrestlers

People who say 'marshmellows' 'Westminister' and 'Arksk'

Draft dodgers

Tax evaders

Ram raiders

Best men from Aldershot

Ice hockey goalkeepers

People from Lapland

Men who operate shit fair ground rides

'Extroverts'

Flirts

Men in skirts

Freddie 'parrot face' Davies fans

Scuba divers

Tractor drivers

Hop pickers

Fire eaters

Grouse beaters

Shy lollipop ladies

Pop artists

People who believe in magic

People who don't think Paul Simon is the guvnor

Kebab kids

People who think they can throw apples over buildings, but fail

Town cryers

Hair dryer designers

People who use the phrase 'what do you know' in the wrong context

Trainee milliners

People who thought Jim Rockford was a gayer

People who mug off The Style Council

Lucid dreamers

Oiks

Cheeky little bastards

People who name their dogs after soul singers

Cat people (who put out fire)

Organ grinders

Book binders

People who think Coronation Street isn't real

Eddie Izzard lookalikes

Unicyclists

Jugglers

People who say 'down with the kids'

Back packers

Ramblers especially Welsh

Choclatiers

Candy Bar girls

Dandies

Flaneurs

Desk jockeys

Make up artists with BO

People who have a problem with authority

Postmen who don't wear shorts all year round

Seven songs with the word love in the title which aren't crap and aren't by The Beatles

Ever fallen in love with someone (you shouldn't  have?) Buzzcocks

First line: you spurn my natural emotions, you make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt.

This song summed up exactly how I felt after I phoned up  Lynne Brown to ask her out and she turned me down, probably why I spent the rest of the evening playing this and trying to make myself cry. The next day at school was hard believe me!

Love is a wonderful colour, The icicle works

First line: My friend and I where talking one evening beside some burning wood.

I think they're referring to a bonfire here or maybe they had just torched a beach hut or something. This was 1983 in Liverpool, heavy times! But hey, why would they want to set fire to small wooden seaside buildings? They were ...in love.

Modern love  David Bowie

First line: I know when to go out I know when to stay in get things done

He certainly did, Friday and Saturday night out, natch, Sunday lunch time out, meat raffle in The Horseless Jockey. The rest of the week in, except for Tuesdays, darts and Thursdays, pool if Big Kev couldn't make it because of his sciatica.

Love wil tear us apart Joy Division

First line: When routine bites hard, and ambitions are low, and resentment rides high, but emotions won't grow,

What's all that about? explains why no one liked them at the time. I saw them supporting Buzzcoks in 1979 and there were only two people dancing, they were in the upper sixth at our school and 'on drugs' ... probably.

18 carat love affair The associates

First line: I told you not to meet me here, I can't be seen with you whispering in my ear.

Your'e in The Adulterers Arms in Dundee talking to the lads about transport to the next away game, (Big Davey's got the van for the weekend) when your bird comes in and starts whispering about her new underwear and that, Give it a rest hen!

Everlasting love, The love affair

First line: Hearts gone astray, leaving hurt when they go, I went away just when you needed me so.

Yes, you did go away didn't you pal, three days in Blackpool on Gary's stag do just when your missus wanted a hand updating her CV, well she'll probably fail the interview for the bar job at The White Line thanks to you, you wrong. 'un!

Slave to love Bryan Ferry

Fist line: Tell her I'll be wating, In the usual place, with the tired and weary where there's no escape

The Weathered Spoon at eight then, the big table by the fruit machine. I might get something to eat it's curry club on a Thursday. Mine's a pint of Skol and Awkward Dave will have a Double Diamond shandy,cheers Bry!

Oxford/Swindon what really happened

This is a true account from someone who was there. We turned up foam handed at half eight in the morning 120 good lads, that was just the lot on the train, we had thirty who thumbed it to Burford dressed as Tintin characters and then got Sedan chairs into the town centre. There were another 40 who hired a long boat in Lechlade for the weekend then cycled in some disguised Charls Hawtrey in Carry on camping, others as Leroy from Fame and a few sporting Halloween masks fashioned from egg boxes, Simple Minds T shirts and karate trousers, this lot were proper.
On arriving at Swindon station we were greeted by four ehem, OB, a Fraser from Dad's army, tribute act, a lost boy scout and a youth distributing leaflets for Dominic's Pizza (open seven days a week, phone for our latest deals) on leaving the station we formed a human pyramid with small-hand Pete from Abingdon taking his place on the top proudly waving a carton of Kia Ora.

So the walk to the ground began the cans of Hofmeister were cracked open and after singing a few rousing choruses of Master of the House from Les Miserables and a selection of Flock of Seagulls B sides we were ready to parlez. On reaching the County ground hotel we were dissapointed to find only the cleaner, barman and lady who does the sanitary towel disposal thing in attendance, to be fair she looked game as f*ck but we gave her a squeeze, say what you want but we aint bullys.

The Merlin pub was most impressive, decked out in a medieval style with witches, lepers, amd pox riddem dwarfs all in attendance. It was impossible to get a drink in there so me and some other football casuals played the traditional game 'who have you come as?' I was sussed early doors in my Matelot/Breton top, Captain Pugwash of course!

We managed to get a pint after Mad Steve feigned a panic attack at the bar and said he wouldn't move 'til he got five pints of Skol and a DoubleDiamond shandy for awkward Dave, one of the older lads from Thame. We were just starting a game of charades outside when along came Merlin the guvnor we thought he'd sussed us for taking the piss out of one of the bar staff who looked like Ruth Madoc, but he said he thought we were alright, and conjured up a couple of rounds for us! To be fair he said we wasn't Swindon but was one of the original Malvern valley casuals, shit hot Lacoste cape on him to be fair, On the way to the ground there was f*ck-all apart from the usual stand off by the town end over who had the most obscure waistcoats, and esoteric nicknames, you know the score, anyway the rest is history as they say and the result will be remembered for a long time.

We salute you

Casuals, wedge-heads, geezers Blackbird Leysers, pirates, piss heads, funkateers, soulboys, dole boys, Stage Club nothern soul lads, Stage Club New Romantics, Greyhound boys, Bonn square punks. Oxford Mental Mob, Lamb and Flag heads, East Oxford boys and North Oxford girls, Jericho Mods, Road runners Scooter Club. Anyone who’s ever walked around with a little green croc on their left breast looking the busines. Original skins, original sinners, winners, no time for losers, cos we are the.. you know the rest.. Wembley veterans twice in 24 years mate, scored six condceded one! Wembley virgins hope you live to see it again. Eastenders, pipe benders, money lenders, loan sharks, Sharks and Jets, go-getters, sub letters, heavy petters Tom Pettyfans, men with caravans, sub postmen, ghost men, ghost hunters, serious punters, rowers, home growers, vegatarians, rastaffarians, one love bruv, I’ll sort it my way, it’s my way or the highway. Highway to hell, when hell freezes over I’ve got the pullovers, V neck, crew neck, lambswool, cashmere or mohair? Let your hair down man, Get it down man. Get it down you Zulu warrior, Aqua shirts, Farah slacks and blazers in 85, city coming alive, get it down you Zulu cheif, Cheif of what? cheif of wankers, flankers, edge of the scrum no harm done, take their fly half! OK I'll flatten the (rugger) bugger Rugby rules shake hands and a pint after, too young to drink, We did too much, much to young, now where married with two kids when we should be having fun with, casuals, wedge-heads, geezers...

Living in the past, my hundred favourite songs part 2

Sound of the crowd, The Human League, 1981

Stay with me, Eighth wonder, 1985
She's a rainbow, The Roling Stones,1967
Beauty of poison, Specimen, 1983
Untouchable, Rialto, 1997
Give it up, KC and the Sunshine Band, 1983
Rappers Delight, Sugar Hill Gang, 1979
New Order, Regret 1993
St Etienne, Sylvie, 1998
The Crown, Gary Byrd and the GBE, 1983
More than a woman, Tavares, 1978
The Show, Doug E Fresh,
Street Tuff, The Rebel MC, 1990
Poison Arrow, ABC, 1982
Rythmn Talkin', Jocko Henderson, 1979
Starman, David Bowie, 1972
The Message, Grandmaster Flash and the furious five, 1982
Chant number one( I don't need this pressure on) Spandau Ballet, 1981
Sometimes, Erasure, 1986
Perfect Skin, Lloyd Cole and the Commotions, 1984
When will I see you again?. The Three Degrees, 1974
Solid Bond in your heart, The Style Council, 1983
Love and Pride, King, 1984
Beach baby, The First Class, 1974
Where did our love go, The Supremes, 1964
Pretty flamingo, Manfred Man, 1966
Sking in the Snow, Wigan's Ovation, 1975
Baby now that I've found you, The Foundations, 1967
Brim full of Asha, Cornershop (Norman Cook remix) 1997
The Kids are alright, The Who, 1965
D-a-a-a-nce, The Lambrettas, 1979

Soul Love, David Bowie, 1978
Born to run, Bruce Springsteen, 1975
Free Nelson Mandela, Special AKA, 1983
Take it on the run, REO Speedwagon, 1981
(There's) always something there to remind me, Sandie Shaw, 1964
Kiss me deadly, Generation X, 1978
She blew me away, The Candyskins, 1990
Anyone can play guitar, Radiohead, 1993

Ready steady go, Generation X 1978

Don't sleep in the subway, Petula Clark, 1967

Favourite shirts (boy meets girl) Haircut 100, 1982

The 'in' crowd, Dobie Gray, 1965
Trash, Suede, 1996

Slave to love, Bryan Ferry, 1985

All the way from Memphis, Mott the Hoople, 1975

Clash City rockers, The Clash, 1978
Virginia plane, Roxy music, 1972

Windmills of your mind, Noel Harrison, 1968

At seventeen, Janis Ian, 1975

Favourite shirts

1 Madras check, vintage

Back in the Days of the Raj some English gentleman had trouble explaining themselves to the local people. When out for dinner they would wear different leisure shirts which would represent what they wanted to eat, as well as the Madras check there was the Jalfrezi stripe and the Rogan Josh polka dot.

2 Pink gingham Ralph Lauren

The mighty gingham. Women seem to love this one, but a certain type of male detests it, they sneer, barely containing their contempt, while harbouring a secret desire to wear it. maybe

3 Signature stripe, Paul Smith

Unique in the fact that it’s the only shirt in the list that I haven’t actually worn, bought from a charity shop £4.50 I could make a handsome profit on this on a well known auction site. I can’t let it go though. I don’t know if I want it but I’m sure I don’t want anyone else to have it.

.

4 Blue denim, The Gap

Wear this and other men will laugh at you, fact, they will make references to cowboys and Status Quo, Ignore them my friend just get on your horse and ride off into the sunset whistling Rocking all over the world

5 House check, Aquascutum

Fashioned from the tartan of the clan Aquascutum, Ths brown, beige and navy beauty has been a favourite for many years, in fact I’m currently on my second one, looks particularly good with other garments in brown, beige and navy

6 Pink Oxford weave, Ben Sherman

Very very smart this bad-boy. I wore this with a petrol blue suit on my one and only visit to Ronnie Scott's legenadary jazz club in the heart of London’s Soho. Nice!

7 White Oxford weave, Uniqlo

Just like the Old Ben Sherman Oxfords but thicker, bit of a bugger to iron if the truth be told, despite that, a fine garment. Have a shave, put this baby on and you’ll look and feel at least ten years younger, probably

8 Light blue check, Lacoste

The crocodile rocks, you have to love the lttle green fella don’t you? .They have come in French sizes so you can confuse and alienate less clued-up men by saying things like “Yeah Dave, I usually go for a 41 in the Lacoste”

9 Light blue paisley, Marina Yachting

Bought from TKMaxx for ten English pounds, this fella really polarises opinion, some people hate it and others just don’t like it. I like it though as it makes me feel like a 1964 Mod, a 1986 casual and a member of rock band The Cult all at once, clever, clever paisley.

Living in the past, my hundred favourite songs

Fifty now the the other fifty next week or when I get round to it (all the dates are correct as far as I know but feel free to correct me if they're wrong)

Love is a wonderful colour, The icicle works, 1983
Get over you, The Undertones, 1978

Me no pop I, Coati Mundi, 1981

Baby love, The Supremes, 1964

Lover's concerto, The Toys, 1965

What do I get?, Buzzcocks, 1978

Suspect device, Stiff Little fingers, 1977

Native New Yorker, Odyssey, 1978

Young hearts run free, Candi Staton, 1976

Suburbia (The full horror mix) Pet Shop boys, 1986

Telling stories, The Charlatans, 1997

She bangs the drums, Stone Roses, 1990
Complete control, The Clash, 1977
If I can't have you, Yvonne Elliman, 1977

18 carat love affair, The Associates, 1982

Left to my own devices, Pet Shop Boys, 1988

When you're young, The Jam, 1978

Holidays in the Sun, Sex Pistols, 1977

Fighting Fit, Gene, 1996

Build me up buttercup, The Foundations, 1968

Me and Mr Sanchez, Blue Rondo A La Turk, 1981
Penthouse and pavement, Heaven 17, 1981
Bedsitter, Soft Cell, 1981
Oasis, Whatever, 1994
Hong Kong garden, Siouxsie and the Banshees, 1978
Ready steady go, Generation X, 1978
Ai no corrida, Quincy Jones, 1981
My world, Secret Affair, 1980

Circles, The Circles 1979

Wild world, Cat Stevens, 1971

Baby don't change your mind, Gladys Knight and the Pips 1977

American pie, Don McClean, 1971

California dreaming, Mamas and Papas, 1965
Young girl, Gary Puckett and the Union Gap, 1968
Concrete and Clay, Unit Four Plus One, 1963
Don't you want me?, The Human League, 1981
La Isla Bonita, Madonna, 1987
Invisible touches, Genesis, 1986
Pretty in pink, Psychedelic Furs, 1981
Smells like teen spirit, Nirvana, 1991
Sunday girl, Blondie, 1978
Summer of '69, Bryan Adams, 1985
Alone, Heart, 1983
We built this city, Starship, 1985
Mr Brightside, The Killers, 2003

Yes, McAlmont and Butler, 1995

Erasure, Oh L'amour, 1986

Waterloo sunset, The Kinks, 1967
Maybe tomorrow, The Chords, 1980
Monday morning, 5.19, Rialto, 1997